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February 21, 2017

My 4 Year Old, The Raging Sexist

“Mommy, go into the kitchen and make me dinner.” Says my four-year-old son as if he’s an incompetent husband circa 1932. It doesn’t take much to observe that my kid may be a raging sexist, but I’d like everyone to know that this wasn't something he picked up at home. Haters will say that’s impossible because children are innocent sponges that mimic what they hear and see, but guess what? It ain't true. The boy was born a male chauvinist. Before he was even rolling over he was already displaying prejudices against women, refusing to get near them without emitting banshee scream protests. And as his mother, he barely tolerates me. Seriously. 

“Excuse me Dylan?” I ask, half-amused by the little fuck's macho meal request. 
“I said, MAKE ME DINNER!" 

Okay, hold up. Am I mistaken? Are these commands merely the pleas of a hungry, ill-mannered preschooler? Well yeah, sure. But beyond the “make me a sandwich" barks, there’s a solid history of Dylan displaying sexism. For instance, at six months old the boy decided he’d rather starve than breastfeed. Yes, he quit ME. Okay…that’s not exactly sexist but it was rude. He did however comment that mommy isn’t the boss because only daddy can be a boss, since "girls can’t be cool, only boys can be cool." 
“No Dylan, that’s not right. Girls are bosses and they are cool too.” '
“No mommy, you’re not right. Only daddy is right.” 
OH HELL NO, LITTLE TRUMP. 

I used to think that parents should have to answer for their little prick children, apportioning any ill behavior or crap attitude to the mom and dad behind the child. But now I know better (sorry) and understand that sometimes a prick is born a prick. And sometimes, that prick is matched to the exact family he needs in order to be unpricked. 

You see, what Dylan has yet to fully realize is that he was born into a girl power family. I have four sisters and all five of us were reminded on a daily basis that women rule the world, women are empowered, that men may try to play us down but they’re just silly ignorant boys that need to be shown their seat, something that both women and men are responsible for doing. So in our family, discounting women will get you nowhere, fast. 

Though it may take some time to scrub the chauvinistic nature out of Dylan’s genes, he’ll be scrubbing my jeans and making the whole family sandwiches by the time I’m done with him. For is it not my duty to set his domineering philosophies ablaze until he’s protesting for women's rights? 

So, should you or your daughters find yourselves on the receiving end of my son’s unsubstantiated bias, don’t worry, I’m on it. However, it does take a village, so feel free to show my silly little boy to his seat.