DIZMOMMY > Putting Toddlers to Work

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January 26, 2015

Putting Toddlers to Work

Because I longingly dreamt of the day I could finally pass off crappy chores to my kin, I didn’t waste any time training my son to make me coffee at 8 months old. Call me lazy or call me resourceful, but you’ll be met with laughter if you dare deny that toddlers run circles, barrel rolls, and somersaults around us. I mean, that energy has to be good for something, right? Well in my world, it’s called work. Though I’m not suggesting we allow tots to operate heavy machinery or pesticides, there are some skills that they possess that make them highly employable: 

They’re fast learners. Putting them in charge of nuclear waste disposal might be a stretch (though if they could dispose of their own nuclear waste, that would be great), but training kids to wait on us is a no brainer. Bring me the remote peasant! 

They know their stuff. They can tell you if a meal is delicious or if your joke sucks almost instantly. And since they’re going to let you know regardless, might as well turn a profit from their no-holds barred brutality. Consulting gigs? Yes. 

They perform magic. Somehow, someway, toddlers transform safe items into deadly weapons and the durable into the delicate. How do they do this? I don’t know, but quality assurance departments should take note (or applications). 

They are willing…mostly. My son wants to do whatever I’m doing. He hasn’t quite figured out that sweeping is a highly undesirable task. Though such willingness may stem from nativity, it’s an asset I’m willing to exploit. 

They can put in the time. Kids have more energy in 1 day than I have all week. If anyone can work a long shift, it’s a kid. Throw some sugar at them and no sleep needed! They may be unpleasant and grumpy but so are a lot of employed adults. 

With all these qualifications, why are we enrolling our kids into preschools instead of trade schools? What exactly are we afraid of? 

That a bunch of babies will take our jobs from us? Preposterous. 
That a mob of skillful children will use their mastery as power to ultimately revolt against us? Plausible. 
That the workforce will expedite the childhood of our precious bitty babies’, causing them to grow up too quickly and as an unintended consequence, aging the parents? Oh. 

Suddenly I’m okay with child labor laws protecting my youth. I mean my son. But this doesn’t mean he’s completely off the hook because I'm still trying to break up with the kitchen sink.