Today I’m going to come clean. Sure, I’ve been pretty honest about the whole “new mom” experience. I’ve admitted to serial killer concerns, I’ve discussed our toxic relationship, and I’ve even shared the unruly and unpredictable behavior responsible for stripping my energy and hair pigmentation. But boy oh boy is there more to child rearing than just food on the floor and slaps to the face! Yes beloved readers, I’ve been holding back. You see, the truth is that having Dylan has made me a more interesting person. Sad. But let me explain...
I used to do the same thing every day. In other words, I hardly did anything at all because I’m a lazy homebody. It was so fun! I would come home from work and fall into the couch like an accent pillow and gel my brain out to T.V. Plans were made on the fly, with no pressure to engage in activities I didn’t feel up for [aka most of them]. Now? I have to leave
my cave home for the sake of entertaining the kid, and he’s the only one falling into the couch like an accent pillow. He’s testing gravity- he’s like a scientist! (I tell myself when he falls.)
Instead of going wherever the wind was blowing, “kid friendly” dominates the forefront of my mind, guiding me to crazy awesome parks, tadpole beaches, and the toy aisle of grocery stores. The kid makes everything more fun! We don’t just listen to music, we experience it. We don’t just drive in the car, we hunt for trucks. And there’s no such thing as blending in these days; Dylan is either forcing me into conversations that he’s initiated with strangers, or he’s drawing attention from all directions by acting a fool. Oh, you have kids too? Instantly we’re friends.
And as I continue to develop parenting skills, I inadvertently become a participant in extremely embarrassing public displays of parenting fails. Like when I accidentally triggered my dog’s killer instinct by running through a flock of geese, resulting in Dylan’s stroller tipping over and nearly throwing him into the lake in front of a dozen concerned strangers. Good times.
I had no idea how uninteresting and boring I was in my childless life! So yes, I may have forfeited the luxury to sleep in on weekends, and my shot nerves will surely fast track gray hairs, but if you ask me what I did last weekend- you’ll never hear me say, “Not much.” Because even when we do stay home, there’s a gravity testing scientist living there, ready to unlock a new level of fun, destruction, and crazy. I think I’ll keep him.