Once your baby becomes a toddler, things get weird. I’m talkin’ SUPER weird…aka your child becomes a bathwater-drinking nudist who steals your sunglasses, prompting the most illogical sentences to roll off your tongue in such a natural way that it even throws you off. Though finding a toddler’s stash of week old blueberries hidden beneath the couch is far from fun, it’s so typical that I ain’t worried ‘bout nothin’!
You see, these experiences have expanded my threshold for [pretty much] anything and very little surprises me these days. So aside from having to “explain” to my 1 year old that no, that dog poop IS NOT a cookie on a regular basis, I look forward to the weird. It’s fun! Until it gets too weird…e.g. Dylan, no feeding strangers…especially old men sitting alone at the park, and especially when you won’t share with me, thanks. What can I say? Tyke logic is nonsensical, unpredictable, and founded on the grounds that just because they can…they should. Here’s proof:
- Just because Dylan can put his foot in his mouth, he should eat his shoe. And I’m like, “Ew, No Dylan. Yucky.” Germs, ya know? And he’s all, “HAHA yucky so funny! Look, I can do it!” It’s the texture thing isn’t it- it’s why he hates broccoli, and why he loves the rubber taste of footprint. Cool.
- Just because he can climb atop our beagle, he should ride him. And the dog is like, “No, please! I’m 9 years old and my back is killing me!” Degenerative disc disease, ya know? And Dylan is all, “HAHA! FASTER! Again, again! Good doggy!” Shouldn’t have given him a taste of that County Fair pony, my bad.
- Just because he can yell out the bedroom window, he should howl at neighbors. And I’m like, “Dylan, shh! No screaming out the window!” This is a private freak show, ya know? And he’s all [in his deepest voice possible], “HEEEEEEEEEEEY!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!” Great, now everyone knows we’re the weirdos.
- Just because he can obstruct his view with a bucket on his head, he should. And I’m like, “No Dylan, you’re gonna get hurt!” This isn’t Jackass, ya know? And he’s all, “HAHA! I can’t see, look, I can’t see!” Yup, that was a wall, and that is the ground. Told ya.
I can go on and on but the picture is clear: toddlerhood is weird. And when I’m not trying to keep my son from chewing on the dog’s tail, or squinting in preparation for what may be hidden beneath the couch cushion, I’m surpassing my laughing quota on a daily basis. Best weird EVER.