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…And now that I AM a mom, if my kid ate, slept, and went 24 hours trauma free, it was a good day. Oh, the inflated confidence of youth! So cute, isn’t it? I
can’t help but laugh at my overzealous and enthusiastic ambitions. I
mean, who knew I was so funny?! My sci-fi parenting model was fully
equip with a blueprint to yield end results in my favor, and included
all kinds of pretentious and self-righteous phony baloney tricks that
would send any actual parent into a tizzy fit of STFU. I want to
share some of that blueprint with you…and then I want to chin-check it
with the harsh reality because there’s no such thing as a 16 year old
child rearing expert with no kids:
THE PLAN:
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There will be NO television, it rots the brain.
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THE REALITY:
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Yeah, it does rot the brain. And I earned it! Keeping the kid
occupied with moderate T.V. time is going to ensure I don’t torch the
neighborhood to the ground, so you’re welcome.
|
THE TRUTH:
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Sesame Street isn’t going to be responsible for my toddler’s lack of
telekinetic ability. If anything, I need to turn Maltida on repeat, stat!
|
THE PLAN:
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Classical music will be playing all day/all night. I’m going to get
that baby brain neuron’ed the ‘eff out!
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THE REALITY:
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Really? Classical music? Who has time for that? I can’t even listen
to classical music in thirty minute increments, let alone all day. Oh, and
good luck getting a kid to actually LISTEN to anything.
|
THE TRUTH:
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Classical music isn’t Miracle Grow for baby geniuses, and Drake isn’t
gonna dumb the baby down. Get real girlfriend!
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THE PLAN:
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Absolutely no junk food, hormone riddled items, pesticide treated or
processed foods.
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THE REALITY:
|
I can’t intercept every damn food item with Red Dye 40, account for
every ingredient that the FDA doesn’t even track, and I certainly don’t have
the skills or resources to man my own farm. Do you see Oprah anywhere? No. So
eat this cracker and shut up.
|
THE TRUTH:
|
Good news? Eliminating this one rule adds 17 hours to each day. Bad
news? Those 17 hours are already spoken for. I buy organic potatoes, Dylan
primarily drinks water, and I make dinner from scratch a few times a week.
Therefore, I’m winning.
|
THE PLAN:
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My kid will only have educational toys and books.
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THE REALITY:
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Suddenly, whether or not a toy is teaching my kid numbers in Spanish
is less important than whether or not he’s showing an interest in anything at
all. If all he wants is a car that flashes lights and sounds sirens, great!
Who am I to deny his happiness?
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THE TRUTH:
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Everything has its purpose, even toy cars that are annoyingly loud.
Lighten up, for real!
|
I guess you could say
I was a little bit of a know-it-all naïve. Apparently, babies aren’t
the little robots that do whatever I want, when I want, like my 16 year
old self imagined. And apparently, life is a helluva lot more hectic and
busy once you grow up. Who knew there’d be no time to practice
levitation and mind control!? Oh, the bright-eyed and bushy-tailed charm
of youth…so precious…and distorted. It's no wonder everyone laughed at me.
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