DIZMOMMY > List of What To-Do/To-Not, According to a Toddler

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July 16, 2014

List of What To-Do/To-Not, According to a Toddler

There is a laundry list of things I would prefer my child NOT do. Like unfold the laundry, pull items off countertops, sit in the dog bed after twelve NOs, and tug on my hair for attention. Then, there’s a list of things I wish he'd never stop doing. Like hugging me after I change his diaper, kissing my head when I blow on his food, or simply wanting any of my attention at all. (Can we skip the whole teenage angst thing?) So it occurred to me that if I have a list of To-Dos and To-Nots, Dylan probably has his own set of lists. He is my son after all, and by the way he pushes boundaries and makes demands, a trip to Maury a DNA test isn’t necessary. But what could Dylan’s lists possibly entail? These are my best guesses of floaters from the mind of Dizbaby:










TOP 4 TO-NOTS

Mom:
No more “sit sit sit,” I’ll stand where I want to. Stroller, highchair, grocery cart, slide...it’s my life. Plus you sound like a parrot. Big time. P.S. Same goes for climbing.
Dad:
Stop with the “one more bite.” You ain’t fooling anyone. We both know “one more” is a bottomless pit of unlimited bites. Hence my resistance, dummy.
Mom:
NO, I DON’T want to go home, stop asking. Can’t you see I’m busy playing with my friends? Just stand in the corner and wait…for three more hours or until Anabelle goes home. I’ll let you know when I’m done, thanks.
Dad:
Sharing is a two-way street. You take my basketball, my soccer ball, even my Scout Dog learning computer! So stop saying “no” when I want to stand on your laptop, throw your iPhone, and shave with your electric razor. You’re confusing.

TOP 4 TO-DOs

Mom:
YES! Keep on sneaking treats. The graham crackers, the goldfish, a spoon full of ice cream, and you know raspberries be my favez.
Dad:
Letting me walk to the car is so much better than being carried. We both know I’m a big boy- now please tell mom.
Mom:
We make a great team. Doorbells, light switches, the coffee machine…as long as you continue picking me up for button pushing, I’ll keep reppin’ Team Mommy. “Otra, otra, otra vez!”
Dad:
I’m like you- I love a good beat. SOME people (starts with an “M”) filter playlists in my presence. So if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t know my favorite song; or how to say “hold up, hold up, we dem boyz.” Team Daddy!

In sum, if Dylan were a t-shirt, he’d read, “LOL, They Think They’re In Charge.” And honestly? He’s right.