DIZMOMMY > Mom Problems: What I DIDN'T See Coming


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June 11, 2014

Mom Problems: What I DIDN'T See Coming

I expected diapers, inconsolable crying (from both of us), panic, tantrums, spit up, floundering, guessing, and stumbling through child rearing…but no, not this. I did NOT expect girlfriends. At least not so soon. Apparently, my son is a ladies man. Despite his life-long (lol, a whole years worth) gravitation to and admiration of men, he has found himself a girlfriend. Named Anabelle. THAT HE KISSES. ON HIS OWN. Before you cue the “aww!!!” know that mom isn’t down. The fact he’s the only boy in his class (first mistake) probably didn’t help my “girls have cooties” philosophy from being drilled, stained, and stuck in his head (second mistake, damn rebel); and now I have to roll with the punches to my gut

The news surfaced as I la dee da’d my way into his classroom last Thursday. I was met by his lovely teacher Ms. Debbie, who excitedly asked me if Dylan had “his first kiss yet.” I told her YES! He has! With a dog named Bailey that we met on one of our walks weeks ago. It was so cute! My husband says that doesn’t count. Oh. Ms. Debbie proceeded to tell me that Dylan was Anabelle’s boyfriend. PSH!!! Yeah right! My son? No. My son only plays with kids from a three foot distance. My son has zero interest in other tots, let alone a girl (ew). But Ms. Debbie continued on, telling me that Anabelle and Dylan held hands and kissed each other on the lips (gag) throughout the day. You would all be oh-so-very proud of me. Instead of withdrawing Dylan from school right then and there, gathering his belongings and lodging a sexual harassment complaint against this so-called-Anabelle, I smiled and asked, “So which one is she?” It was the blonde with blue eyes. Of course it was, floozy. I played along and laughed, not realizing how serious the relationship (UGH) was. 

I had almost forgot (blatant denial) about little Anabelle when I arrived at Dylan’s classroom the following day, where I found him seated at a table slaving away on a Father’s Day gift. I decided I’d let him finish his work and stick around a bit (your welcome husband). And that’s when I came face to face with the other woman in Dylan’s life. As I sat on the floor aside MY crafting son, I felt eyes. I turned around and there she was, Anabelle, a little two footer staring me down. She actually looked pretty upset. She proceeded to walk right in between Dylan and I, put her hand on his arm as if she were claiming him (he’s not property lady), and scowled. So territorial this girl! 

“Hi Anabelle! I’m Dylan’s mommy!” I was being nice but she just stood there like a hater, and that’s when it got awkward. I put my hand out to show her I meant no harm (you know, like you do to dogs before you pet them), only for Anabelle to jerk her shoulder back aka the nonverbal cue for “DON’T TOUCH ME, PEASANT STRANGER.” Okay then…I continued to play nice. Dylan finished his work, said bye to his girlfriend completely on his own, waved, and then kissed her. I gotta get this on camera I thought. My husband is NEVER going to believe this. So I did. I asked Dylan to give her a kiss and with zero hesitation he did. And like a psycho crazy stalker mom I spoke without thinking, “WHAT?! DO YOU LOVE HER?” Uhm obviously. 

Because Dylan only goes to school a few days a week, it’s been a while (in baby time) since he’s seen this Anabelle chick. So last night I ran through our regular series of questions before putting him to bed and threw in a curve ball. “Are you excited to go to school tomorrow?” He nodded with a big grin. “Are you excited to see Ms. Debbie?” He nodded with a big grin. “Are you excited to see Anabelle?” He nodded with a big grin and said almost too perfectly, “Anabelle!” Pause. “What did you say?” “Anabelle!” 

GREAT, so he hasn’t forgot. 

P.S. Dad's proud and so not helping the situation.

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